i stood on the shore of lake McConaughay
| Yesterday I stood on the shore of Lake McConaughy |
Listening to the waves and the wind
And contemplated the life of my father
As I listened I began to understand
A small bit of what it was about
The discipline and camaraderie of the military
Taking convoys over High Mountain passes in Colorado
To working as a prison guard in order to obtain a masters degree in Agriculture Economics
The efforts to make a life for his family of Mom Dianne and myself
Were foremost
He used his love of dirt and water to make it possible.
I took a soils class in college once and it made him happy
Although his comments never tipped his hand
He tested me on my knowledge by asking me about the formation of clay particles
Why did they shed water rather than soak up water.
He made me understand whyc leveled land often was less conducive to good crops that land quite hilly but under pivot irrigation
. His knowledge of topics was legendary, reading a set of encyclopedias from front to back
I search for my father in myself for often I found myself walking his walk and seeing through his eyes.
Its not just that he stayed up to 4am reading books
And I stay up to 4am writing poetry
Its not just that we shared the love of the theater and the dramatic
He loved to drop verbal bombs in crowds
I love the opportunity to end a cross-examination on a question the witness cannot answer.
Standing on the shore of lake McConaughy I realized that our connection was more
We were both elemental
but he more so than I
Standing there I realized words I had written about my identity were really about him.
Who am I?
I am dirt and water mixed by chubby fingers,
The wind carries ME
Feathers float on the wing of a hawk,\
I am the air around the feather,
And the feather itself.
He was and still is nebraska dirt and water and wind and when I realized that I felt him join me again,
Standing beside me as I videoed the waves, wind, clouds, water and trees
whispering to me in their voices.
And when arrived at home my mother immediately brought out a photo of my father videoing Lake Mcoghanhey in almost the exact spot I videoed yesterday.
As I stand on the shore of Lake McConaughy I see the water he sought to apply to land near Bladen where there was not any accessable sub-surface water
His band of dedicated farmers did not succeed in that idealistic endeavor
As Natalie Kreuetzer told me the whooping cranes were their enenmy and they dive bombed the farmers position
They succeeded in changing the law on trans-basin transfers, a difficult task I tell you as a lawyer who studied water law mostly for my father
They lost on a technicality but in the end they did not lose at all because
The need for the water went away with no till cultivation
An innovation that he supported
He was not a playful man
And he left on the land many pairs of sunglasses and many pipes
Not quite a replacement for the flint pieces he helped my sister and I find
He had a love for learning and thinking
HE studied photography and native Indian culture
And new farming conepts
He had strong opinions and constantly took notes about his thoughts and the world around him.
We talked serious topics at our kitchen table late into the night
particularly politics, schools and water
he studied basketball and baseball to give us hints
As I said in another context
He approached life with lucidity and humour with subleties and inflections so complex they defy description.
But life comes down to relationships and love
and we had difficulty communicating about deep emotions
until in 1993 he had a heart attack and as a result we began to communicqte about love,
I WROTE about our experience
I danced alone with my father
He on the moon and me here in my room
Until he lay on a bed almost dead
And then we danced anew
Each of us together
For the first time we said
The name of the dance unknown to us
i love you
